Dan Cromar / Roundup
After a recent trip to Dodger Stadium, I wondered about some of the decision-making behind the changes that I observed.
After some brilliant investigative work, including some Jedi-like powers of persuasion and Jason Bourne-esque fight scenes, I acquired a secret transcript of a board meeting that took place during the offseason.
Actually, I didn’t. I spent the weekend sitting on the couch quietly complaining to myself while I watched the games on TV.
But if I had gotten one, it probably would have looked like this…
“Alright, gentlemen, we’ve got a lot to get done today. Johnson, what’s first on the agenda?”
“Let’s see…first item of business is how can we cheapen the experience of a Dodger game for pure monetary gain?”
“Hm. Well, there’s always the obvious solution, of course. We can just put ads everywhere.”
“We do that already, though. How can we do it even more?”
“Oh, I know. What’s that lady’s name who plays that sound box thingy? The um…the organ! What’s her name?”
“Nancy Bea?”
“Yeah her. Why don’t we put a giant Lotto ad behind her?” (Yes, that’s true.)
“Good stuff, Anderson! What else have we got?”
“Well, we can make everything ‘brought to you by’ something. I mean EVERYTHING. Like the “State Farm insurance run?” (Also true.)
“Alright, good. But we need another way to shamelessly place ads in a way that seems almost fun and entertaining, although that’s not exactly our top priority.”
“Okay, okay, I got this. How about like a memory-type game, but instead of fun Dodger stuff, we do it with like Coke logos and stuff?” (True.)
“Ok guys, awesome! We’re totally rolling now! Okay, so how can we save even more money?”
“What about those Friday night fireworks? Those cost money, right? Why don’t we get rid of that?”
“Wait, I thought people liked that, though. Plus it was a good way to get people to stay until the end of the game.”
(Silence, followed by raucous laughter)
“HA! Thanks Bob, we needed that. Seriously though, that’s gone. ” (You know it’s true)
“What else do people like that we could ruin?”
“How about those bobbleheads? Is there something we could do that’s kind of like that, but not really?”
“Action figures?”
“YES! In superhero costumes! Or is that too ridiculous?” (True, look it up)
“There’s no such thing as ‘too ridiculous.’ Good work.”
“Okay, we’ve made great progress, but we need one more good one. Think people! What’s the most sacred thing to these Dodger fans?”
(Silence)
“Oh, how about that song we play when we win?”
“Which one is that?”
“You know…um…damn, I know this…It’s something like…’L.A. is great’ or…something like that. Someone Google it.”
“Okay…here it is. It’s called ‘I Love L.A.,’ by some guy named Andy Newman. Oh, sorry, RANDY Newman.”
“Perfect. Let’s just move that to the BEGINNING of the game.”
“Why?”
“…Why not?”
“Good point. All right, we’re adjourned. Oh, Bob, don’t leave yet, I want to talk about this idea you had to change the name of the stadium to Coke Farmer John Carl’s Jr. Field.”
